From Crunchy To Calm

Healing from the overwhelm

Poison is everywhere. It’s in our food, clothes, shoes, jewelry, air, water, dirt, even our thoughts feel poisoned at times (probably due to parasites, who knows). But there is another silent and more sinister killer. What could be worse than glyphosate in our local parks, red 40 in our medicine, and microdosing birth control every time we drink tap water?

In my opinion — stressing out about it.

I have been recovering from a very exhausting phase of hyper analyzing every ingredient and material that came into our home. I brought my lead test kit everywhere I went. I tested everything. Even things I wasn’t intending to buy. I just couldn’t resist the urge to upset myself by testing the ‘World’s Coolest Teacher’ mug — which of course tested positive. Just casually inviting unnecessary negativity and doom into my Target shopping trip... and regularly fighting against the impulse to tell strangers that those earrings are slowly going to destroy you! I let the rage fester, it’s a justified anger right? They’re doing this to us purpose afterall! I was informed. I was awake. And I was paralyzed with fear.

I can’t buy meat from the grocery store! They say it’s organic 100% grass fed and finished but they could be lying! Everybody lies. It could have been made in one of Bill Gate’s meat labs!

Should I buy these organic cotton pajamas? They’re made by a company that also makes non organic clothes so they’re probably processed in the same facility which means there’s almost definitely cross contamination happening.

Those organic local potatoes look okay but our ground water is contaminated so they’re probably infused with lead.

All of the toothpaste is poison... I’m going to have to use my homemade stuff. It burns a little but at least I know what the true ingredients are.

I had to feed my family but nothing was safe. I hated it when my husband would ask me what I was making for dinner, I don’t know, poison? He told me it was okay and that we’d be fine if we ate… food. But I knew better. He didn’t get it. He didn’t do his research. How can he be so relaxed while the whole world is collapsing around us?

I was eating so clean. I wasn’t putting toxic products on my body. I ditched the fluoride, I washed my hair with local honey, I was wearing natural healing fibers and sleeping on linen sheets. I wore the barefoot shoes. I grounded daily. I showered in filtered water. I ate steak for breakfast. I spent hours reading the latest articles on health breakthroughs and herbal detoxing and what brands were being sued for greenwashing and deceiving their customers.

But it was never enough. No matter how hard I tried I never felt safe. I was the healthiest I’d ever been and I was the most miserable I’d ever been.

I had a lot of faith in myself during those times. I was leaning entirely on my own understanding, which alone is a terrifying thought. Because after going down all the rabbit holes I still didn’t know what brands I could trust or which vegetables were safe or what chemicals had been renamed or which case studies had been fraudulent.

After many talks with my husband and then my priest, reality eventually started to sink in and I slowly began to accept that I’m just not, never have been and never will be, in control. I just had to let go. I was spending ungodly (literally) amounts of time focusing on my family’s physical health that I had severely neglected the most important — our spiritual health. The spiritual and mental health in our home had been rapidly declining and it had been almost entirely my own doing. Stressing about every little thing instead of trusting that God was enough for us.

The saints are clear examples that hyper focusing on diet and all the other fleeting elements in this life is not the way to go. St. John the Baptist comes to mind, eating locusts in the wilderness — not grass-fed steak, no skincare to protect against the harsh sun, I doubt he lifted weights (although I can’t prove that…), he did however wear natural fibers but not ones that I would choose. His physical needs were not met, but his spiritual ones were. God took care of him. In the Orthodox Church we baptize infants so they can start receiving the Eucharist to feed their soul. Because nothing is more important than that.

So what’s the solution? Well, for me, it’s focusing on my greatest role as a wife and mom — to create an environment of love in our home. Love is powerful. Love is healing, far more healing than any supplement, superfood, or even a perfect diet. Fear, anxiety, and stress, on the other hand, incite chaos. And chaos wears down not only the body and the mind, but also the soul. Chaos is demonic, to put it bluntly, and I do not want to invite that into my home.

I can’t ignore all of the news or the ingredients labels. I still have the responsibility of giving my kids the nutrition they need, along with protecting them from known contaminants as best as I can and with what my budget will allow. But the obsession and anxiety are gone. If I’m doing my best, I can trust God with everything else and that brings me peace of mind more than anything else.

I think the most important thing to remember moving forward is noticing what occupies my mind most. Is it panicking and stressing over trying to control everything and having faith in my own abilities? Or is it peace and gratitude for everything the Lord has provided for our family? Even in the past few months we had a trip to the ER, a tooth nearly cracked in half, a broken toe, and, for me, a significant spike in back pain — all reminders that I have to let go of the idea that I can create a pain or sickness free life if I just do everything right.

I can’t.